The Solitary Shadow
.
I’m feeling it again. I’m not sure how to control it or what to do about it. So I think writing it might help. It just hits me sometimes. Where I feel like I’m the only one here. I mean I have my friends, but I’m not very close to anyone. And at times I’m very acutely aware of it, and I feel kind of lost. A flash of realization. A moment of stark isolation that really gets to me.I can’t keep myself busy enough to not think about it ya know? So I try to ignore it, or try to face it, and end up having to deal with it even more. Its moments like these I’d love to slap myself and not have to worry about it. But I don’t, and it continues.
I’m sure I’m not the only one feeling it though. I don’t contest that. Everyone gets lonely. But this is different. More intense maybe. But ultimately because it’s me who is feeling it, it’s me who is really that affected. It isolates me even more because of that singular perception I think. It comes and goes though. But I think everyone is ultimately alone. Our perceptions are uniquely ours, our lives may be shared but the experiences and feelings are only ours to know. Its nice when we can connect with other people though. That’s what makes life so interesting and worthwhile, aside from the beauty and experiences in it. But ultimately we live together, and die alone.
It makes me wonder what I can do about it. Get out more, connect better with people. Foster more fulfilling intimate relationships. Sure, those make sense. They sound nice. It isn’t that simple though. And I’ve tried it. Like I said, it isn’t all the time I feel this way. I’m good most of the time. The majority even. Content. Happy. It’s just those moments where the outer layer of comfort and contentment get ripped away that I feel it. And by then, I become a temporary observer to the goings on of my now unpleasant and isolated existence. Its an out of body experience for me by then. I watch the screen until the show ends, and then I’m fine again. Someone changes the channel, or the lights come up after the movie. And there I am, just as I was before. I go back to being the me I normally am, with a hazy expectation of yet another isolating attack of lonely realization in the future.
It cannot be controlled, and there is not much you can do about it. Take it in and create something from it. I am on the west coast and it is still night here. Tonight, I too, am an orphan girl…..
~x~x~x~x~
Thank you for the comment. As much as I hate to admit it, I have to agree with you. It is beyond my control…though I wish I could do something about it, I will continue to channel it into creative thought and expression. You do that as well? Create? Best wishes from the east coast. May we soon be orphans no longer.
-Silence