Collapse and spiral into this dream. Give yourself over to this feeling, this desire. Open wide those shy eyes and see the world as it presents itself. Perception is reality, and its manifestation is derived from consciousness.

Your consciousness.    Your reality.

We may never meet, we may never touch, we may never love, but we will share this space together. No matter   how  vast    the    distance   or     how   stretched     the     time     between     us     in this ethereal plane, we are Aware. Of each other. You there, me here. Our existence irreversibly intertwined like the strands of our DNA, deep inside. We are dancing here, the pulse carrying through the realm as it penetrates like electric  rain into each and every one of us.. over and over and over. You feel it. You can’t deny it. And you have no need to. You are here. As am I. And we are aware. Of everything. And nothing.

Simultaneously.

How frightening the thought of knowing that which can save or destroy you. Are you scared? Are you confused? Do you believe me? Do you want to know more? Do you avoid knowing all together? Are you here? Where? Here. in this place, questions are more important than answers. Ask the right question, and the answer becomes irrelevant. Ask the wrong question, and the answer may be the only savior capable of saving you. But saving is beyond you. Beyond me. Beyond everything we can ever conceive of. For you see, we are  Lost. Unquestionably. Happily. Eternally.  And purposefully.

And that is why we know each other. That is why we’re here. Together. We are Lost, and we have no intention.  Of.  Ever.  Being.  Found.

Here and there yet everywhere
the clouds come to pass
closed eyes and hearts of fear,
such Feelings shouldn’t last

Pressure builds from deep within
as breaths catch to quicken
and here the start – to begin,
with Power to hurt and sicken

A sharpened edge would be less blunt
than the pain of what’s been lost
but here the guilt is softly shunt
but not it’s unpaid cost

Here and there yet everywhere
the intensity ebbs and flows
caught in lust devoid of care
its appetite grows and grows

A feeling sharp, a feeling dull
the pain cuts much too fast
the last Mark upon the soul
an impression left too vast

And where have all the Stars gone?
in their darkened world – goodbye
here and there yet everywhere on
the sky begins to sigh.

The smell sliced through the air, sealing me in a cloud of fragrance. I closed my eyes and felt the particles dancing accross  my skin. The sun was warm on my flesh, and it completed the picture that was painting itself around me. Sunlight traveled a long distance to reach this planet; an infinitesimal portion of that sunlight was enough to warm the air around my body, to make the fragrance even more awe-inspiring. I was moved beyond words. That something as insignificant as a woman’s subtle scent had its place in the workings on the universe, that the cosmic order did not overlook this simple momentary truth. The fragrance encircled me in a way I’d never known, as though the very air had taken on her scent and turned so gracefully into a living breathing entity intent on making its presence known to me in the most physical way possible. The gripping I felt inside at the exploration of its intricacy astounded me, and the labyrinthine mystery of its clockwork textures left me wondering just what type of purpose this particular machine could possibly have. Not only for me, but for the vastness of the world and all the people this scent would ever encounter, I was curious. And I dare say, instantly enthralled.

I just finished watering the flowers…but they keep dying. I water them, and yet they still die. Its a horrible state of affairs, I tell you. I measure out the water exactly, put in just enough of their daily fertilizer to keep them healthy, and even give them plenty of sunlight there on the patio. I don’t know the problem could be. I really think its genetic somehow. I try and try and try, and the natural order of things just smites my efforts. I really shouldn’t be so hard on myself though. You know just the other day I was listening to Chopin, and relaxing all nice like you know, and I got thirsty! You know, if only I had a glass of water I was thinking. So I got up and got one, and I thought to myself, “Wow, if only I had someone to to this for me everyday…”. I tell you that’d make my life easier. Speaking of easy…I need to go out and buy some groceries. But if you’ll excuse me, I need to water my flowers.

Excuse me sir, may I ask a question? Yes…where is my house? What do you mean you don’t know where I live? How should I know that? Well of course I live there! Why the hell would I lie about having a bloody house!? NO, I WILL NOT TELL MY MOTHER THAT! Goodness, I was just wondering where my house is. I seem to have gotten a bit lost after picking up some groceries. If you can’t help me, I understand, but I figured you’d be able to tell me where I live. Why would I think that? Well because you’re a Postman!You have to get my mail to me somehow. Oh yes sir, thats my name. Oh a letter? Can you deliver it to my house? Excellent! I’ll just follow you.

I was talking to the postman earlier. He brought me an unexpected package. It was slightly surprising. I never seem to be expecting mail, though I always seem to get it. I chock that up to the unpredictability of the postal service! Sometimes though, when I am expecting letters…they never come. I wonder if I’m doing something wrong? Once again, I chock that up to the postal service! My postman told me kindly that I really should open my mail though. You see I got this unexpected package, saw that it’s obviously not something I should read, and I threw it away. First time I ever threw away a letter. He made quite a fuss out of it though…oh the unpredictability of the postal service!

There are days when I forget. Or is it days…I can’t remember? I forget. Its an odd sensation, like being lost in the fog and not really knowing where you’ve been or where you’re going. It gets thicker and thicker, and eventually swallows you completely, leaving you to go about the same task with the same clarity and resolve hundreds, thousands, of times…and have no recollection of it. But only sometimes. That’s the thing about these days. They aren’t everyday. At least I don’t think they’re everyday. I honestly couldn’t tell you…but it doesn’t seem that way. I’m pretty sure I’d remember that.

Posted in Poetic Whispers, Whispers ]]> http://nocturnalwhispers.wordpress.com/2008/12/09/isolation-unit-02-memory/feed/ 0 Silence http://nocturnalwhispers.wordpress.com/2008/12/09/isolation-unit-01/ http://nocturnalwhispers.wordpress.com/2008/12/09/isolation-unit-01/#comments Tue, 09 Dec 2008 06:22:30 +0000 Silence http://nocturnalwhispers.wordpress.com/?p=100 ]]> I’ve begun a kind of an adventure into writing, and this new creative experience I’ve labeled Isolation Unit. Sometimes I take this task alone, other times I will write with friends about certain topic, knowing we’ll all have different interpretations and styles of writing in our final result. This is one such product of my Isolation Unit, and hopefully more will follow. But I thought I’d share them to see if anyone might enjoy them or have any thoughts or ideas to share or receive. Enjoy.

isolation unit 01 -longing-

You know it’s strange. I miss you. I never thought I’d miss you, considering I see you almost every day. But I miss your body, standing there in front of me, the picture of you come to life. I miss you being here. Just…being here. Laying next to me, your head gently resting on my shoulder as you breathed those soft shallow breathes of yours. The movements your body would make when I’d caress you. The small of your back, your neck, you legs, your lips…I touched them in ways they weren’t used to. And I know you loved it. The ice cold, jolting you to your senses, brought you back through the haze and fog of thought and fatigue and returned your interest to me. To my lips. To my slender neck. Moving down to my chest, as your fingernails drew small designs on my back, your breath warm and soft as its wisps tickle me as you make your way down. Its not as though I need those things. But I loved them. I loved touching you and waiting for your body’s reaction. But my favourite was to satisfy you with enough pleasure that you got carried into orbit.  Watching you make your way through the clouds as your body reentered our atmosphere… it was better than anything for me. Watching shooting stars is nothing compared to your body coming back to me. And then theres the things you do to me. You’d get lower and lower as I went higher and higher…and I miss it. I miss my own reactions. Not even physical…but the emotions you inspired with me. The emotions…you do inspire in me. Like these. I’ve never missed you more than when I realize I’ve never had you to miss. I’ve never seen your body coming back to me, the reactions you have to my cold hands; I’ve never felt those kisses of love wistfully delivered to me as you loved me so gently…but I have seen you… from a distance. And I just wanted to let you know…that I miss you. I miss you more and more, because ultimately it isn’t you I’m missing…it’s just a concept. One we all aspire to. Is that so wrong? Am I…so wrong?

We don’t have to worry about growing old, because we have plenty of time for our stories to be told. It’s so wonderful not having to worry about anything anymore. Anything at all. I’m here with you now. . . and it’s more than I could ever have imagined. Its so nice to experience you this way.To be able to be open and true and not even need to expect it in return. I’m finally happy here. And that’s living isn’t it? Or something like it?  That’s what I’m going to do now. For as long as I can. Because it’ll end sometime. I know that, it always does. But I just want to stay Here. . .  with you. If you’ll let me.

I’m feeling it again. I’m not sure how to control it or what to do about it. So I think writing it might help. It just hits me sometimes. Where I feel like I’m the only one here. I mean I have my friends, but I’m not very close to anyone. And at times I’m very acutely aware of it, and I feel kind of lost. A flash of realization. A moment of stark isolation that really gets to me.I can’t keep myself busy enough to not think about it ya know? So I try to ignore it, or try to face it, and end up having to deal with it even more. Its moments like these I’d love to slap myself and not have to worry about it. But I don’t, and it continues.

I’m sure I’m not the only one feeling it though. I don’t contest that. Everyone gets lonely. But this is different. More intense maybe. But ultimately because it’s me who is feeling it, it’s me who is really that affected. It isolates me even more because of that singular perception I think. It comes and goes though. But I think everyone is ultimately alone. Our perceptions are uniquely ours, our lives may be shared but the experiences and feelings are only ours to know. Its nice when we can connect with other people though. That’s what makes life so interesting and worthwhile, aside from the beauty and experiences in it. But ultimately we live together, and die alone.

It makes me wonder what I can do about it. Get out more, connect better with people. Foster more fulfilling intimate relationships. Sure, those make sense. They sound nice. It isn’t that simple though. And I’ve tried it. Like I said, it isn’t all the time I feel this way. I’m good most of the time. The majority even. Content. Happy.  It’s just those moments where the outer layer of comfort and contentment get ripped away that I feel it. And by then, I become a temporary observer to the goings on of my now unpleasant and isolated existence. Its an out of body experience for me by then. I watch the screen until the show ends, and then I’m fine again. Someone changes the channel, or the lights come up after the movie. And there I am, just as I was before. I go back to being the me I normally am, with a hazy expectation of yet another isolating attack of lonely realization in the future.

“I’ll be there, I’ll be there. Not far behind. Just stay a little longer. You know you’ll regret it if you go.”

This absence has been quite journey for me. I must admit though, I had an amazing time. Summers are always a time for growth and exploration for me, and this summer was no exception. Travel and play do wonders for increasing the amount of satisfaction in someone’s life. It’s really amazing how refreshed one can feel after getting out of the familiar bubble of everyday existence. I won’t apologize for enjoying myself, though I’m disappointed I couldn’t write as much as I would’ve liked during my time away.

I’m back in school now though, slowing getting back into my own unique routine after a summer of cross-country adventuring and increasingly late nights. I’m planning on updating more throughout the semester though, expectantly, when I have a break in my studies and can go through the process of putting something down in digital ink. So as always, return if you enjoy the whispers, or subscribe. I’ve got quite a collection of erotic whispers to post as well, for those of you who enjoy the pleasures afforded by human sexuality. And the occasional poem and thought thrown in to fully express myself. A constant pursuit.

Constantly rearranging, changing itself like some unpredictable shape shifting element; does it even have a form? The process gets altered, repeated,  revised, interrupted, abandoned and then ultimately restarted again…but I finally get a result. Is it the result I’m happy with? Usually. That ultimately only matters to me. But the result is always wholly mine. And because of that, I’m proud. I just wish I could do it better. This creation of thoughts and ideas. This articulation and expression only I can do for myself. That’s why I continue, why I pursue this goal. That, and because I enjoy it.

Hopefully you enjoy it too.

I just returned from an amazing visit to the midwest US [Colorado to be exact], which may explain my sudden discussion of the weather. I experienced the kind of weather that suits me perfectly, and I began to miss it as soon as the plane left the ground. Summer is still gradually approaching Colorado, so the unpredictability of spring weather was a welcome change. From soft breezes and sudden rain showers, to mountain winds and unexpected snowstorms, it was perfect. Oh how I love the outdoor-friendly cool and mild weather, and the panoramic mountain scenes!

Escaping the city and venturing out into the country was such a welcome change, and actually getting to don my hiking boots and feel the rocky trails and steep slopes as they climbed towards the sky brought back my awe and respect for the mountains. Not as though it ever left me, but it tends to slide out of focus when I’m so far away from it all. I enjoy hiking and being outdoors above all other physical activities…well, aside from that physical activity, mostly because I feel so at ease in nature and really just love exploring country on foot, even if for only a few thousand feet at a time.

As always though, I wish I had more time to lose myself in it all. But I’m back now, right here. Sorry I’m late. Its becoming a bad habit isn’t it?

I finished rereading The Elephant Vanishes and Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman, both a collection of short stories my favourite author, Haruki Murakami. I’m currently reading another collection of stories by him called After The Quake, as well as an anthology of true-life psychedelic drug experiences akin to something you might find in the experience vaults on Erowid, called Tripping by Charles Hayes. So far it has proven to be as true to the psychedelic experience as I’ve encountered myself, and it has provided so much variation in experiences. It really is amazing how much the substances can open you up to, and what kind of experiences you can have.

The experience of not having a functional computer was short lived however, as I finally managed to order a replacement and get back in touch with everything just this week. But having that absence of the electronic frontier from my everyday life put quite a lot of things into focus for me. Most of that focus was on my time…

Time goes by. The progression of events seemingly flowing one after another in the unavoidable direction in front of me. Even the smallest amount of time I’m acutely aware of, a second, slips from my grasp as thoughtfully unfulfilled as the minutes, hours, days, and weeks that came before it. Its not that its wasted, it just isn’t being used to its full potential. But just what am I doing? Where am I going? I don’t know… I do know where I want to go, and what I want to do…but is there any feasible way to get myself there? Is there any reality in those dreams I’ve created for myself? I’d like to think so, but ultimately I’m never sure. “Time will tell” as they say, I just need to make sure I’m listening.